A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear you,

I am proud of you. Looking back at the different paths you took, there are some days where you feel blessed but more often you just want to forget (but it’s okay!). Most days feels heavy but look back and count your blessings.

Be thankful for what you have accomplished, what you have learned, what you have gone through and the mistakes and choices that you made. The friends you made and lost. The love and heartaches you went and are going through. Because without them, you wouldn’t be here. Without them, you won’t know your fears, tackle them with the strengths you thought was once lost. The patience to endure the challenges and obstacles.

Remember that the paths you take are your journey. It will always be an endless journey. It may not lead you to where you want to be or where you want to go, but have faith. You’ve done everything you can and now leave it to God to do His work. You are not your life story because it has been set out for you before you even exist. All you have to do now is embrace it and trust that everything will be alright in the end.

I guess what I am saying is that be thankful that you are still here breathing and able to make the choices to move forward. Be proud of yourself that you are still fighting through to be better than who you were yesterday. Be happy that you have people that care and loves you even when you fail to see it.

Live and love life and never give up. Dreams and ambitions can be achieved through determination and hard work. You are never known to give up on something that you are passionate about, be the woman that you want and need to be, you are a fighter and you are resilient. Get back up and show yourself what you are capable of, prove yourself that you will conquer and master your fears and strengths, shower love to those who deserves your attention, eradicate those that no longer serves a purpose to you and in your life, move on from those that no longer gives you happiness. Take back what’s yours and make the most of it. Devote more time to yourself, to heal and love yourself more.

You went on a path of self-discovery- unbeknownst to you, you are on your way in building your empire, a woman with dreams to make something different. You battled through with your mental health issues and found yourself again. you rediscovered your independence, you went out of your own comfort to talk more to people and reconnect and best of all, you startup your own business and finally doing something you are passionate about. You’re turning your dreams into a reality and you are sharing that dream with others, you manifested your inner artist.

And you’re writing again. Writing that saves you from you, writing that gives you peace, writing the words that have never been spoken. Remember to write in each day what you are thankful for and what you have accomplished. It makes a big difference, you will your value as a businesswoman, a daughter, a sister and a friend. You faced some of your fears and came out victorious. You started gaining more confident in the things that you do. You learn to let things go even it took you awhile. More often than not, you wanted to give in, but you know yourself that you won’t give in because there are far more better things up ahead for you. You just know it. Trust and faith. Be proud of yourself.

Don’t rush into fighting your weaknesses, at least find your way to overcome them and turn them into strengths- self-doubt, low self-esteem, the insecurities – let all of these go and learn to manage them. Turn it around and believe in yourself.

Take encouragement and support from others that care and loves you, pay no heed to those who brings you down or wasting your time. Take criticism and turn it into something positive, a lesson learned. Move on from those that no longer makes you happy. Cut the toxic ones out and welcome those who are there to fully support and encourage you, those who believe in you. Don’t forget to appreciate them, to be thankful to them, don’t forget those who have stuck by you when you were in your lowest and darkest times. Forgive and forget the past that have done you wrong or what you did wrong. Forgive and love yourself more. Forgive others and seek peace.

You will look back again on this road you’re driving through and you’ll come to appreciate the woman that you are going to be. Look back and see how much you have accomplished, how much you helped others. Let the road up ahead be filled with more excitement, adventures, self-love, independence, travel more and the challenges you will face with more vigor and confidence. Never stop or settle for something that’s less, go for something far beyond that makes you happy and content.

Remember- do not feel discouraged at the ones you have not accomplished but rather take it as another challenge that you can do it.

All the best, my love.

With love always,

Hashimah 2021

Seven Sins

Seven children borne by me,

Each have names that suits their attributes,

Ira, Avarita, Gula, Invidia, Luxuria,

Acedia and Superbia,

Allow me to introduce them-

 

I am Ira,

I dwell deep inside you,

Carving a hole in your soul,

For the darkness, pain, betrayal and shame,

When you fall,

I will be there to greet you like an old friend.

 

I am Avarita,

I have an insatiable need to have everything,

Wealth and power in hands,

I want all this world can offer me and more.

 

I am Gula,

I overindulge in things I don’t need,

I consumed all to fill my hunger,

Filling my body with harmful substances,

For my endless cravings.

 

I am Invidia,

Jealous of other’s success and talents,

I wish to have it all,

I’m discontent quite frequently.

 

I am Luxuria,

The passionate flame,

I confuse you with love,

Have a ravenous thirst of sexual desires,

When I am around,

You can’t behave.

 

I am Acedia,

I no longer care for life or

My own well-being,

I am quite slow but don’t be fooled,

It’s really hard to get rid of me.

 

I am Superbia,

The most vain and powerful of all,

An illusion of happiness,

I corrupt the minds of

Innocence with narcissism.

 

Which of my children are you?

Music can never be the same again

She should have known, as a matter of fact, she has prepared herself for it but when the time came, she was not ready. she was never ready.

He wasn’t hers to begin with, they were playing a dangerous game. They both knew the consequences and risks and yet they still played along until one or the other left broken.

She has been very calculative and careful to everyone but he was the exception. Was it because she thought that her prayers have been finally answered? Was it because she craved the attention he gave her? or was it because finally someone didn’t flee when she finally took off her veil that has been a part of her? For a moment, she felt safe and needed, she felt of worthy of love. Being with him, she was her own person her own self.

But that fantasy burned out faster than it did burning brightly. Now all that is left are her own pieces that he broke. The same pieces that she has been saving up for the one who would just accept and love her without inhibitions. The same pieces that she is putting back together but it will never be the same.

A letter to you

I have no excuse for what happened and saying “I’m sorry” hardly seems adequate. But if you could forgive me this time, I promise you that this will never happen again. Both the suffering that I’ve caused you and the misery I feel now show me that breaking my word causes too much damage to both of us to ever want to do it again. Whatever selfish gratification I thought I’d gain by my foolish stupid act has disappeared. All that is left- guilt and a stronger resolve to be not only the person you want me to be, but to be the person that I want myself and need to be.

I know it is difficult to believe right now, but i really do love you and I have never loved anyone else. In the past eight months, we’ve become so much a part of each other’s lives that I really can’t imagine my life without you anymore. Your presence in my life have so much meaning, impacted me more than anyone else. I don’t think it would benefit either of us to give up on this relationship yet because we’ve both invested so much of ourselves into it already and our good times have far outnumbered the bad. What few issues we have faced in the past have been minor and we were able to work though it.

Truth be known, I am nervous about asking you to forgive me. I understand you have suffered a great deal because of me and asking for forgiveness is so much to ask from you. I know you find it hard to believe my promise that I will learn from my mistake and never repeat it. I truly never want to put our relationship on the line again. I hope you can believe that.

I want you to know how much I care about “us” and how important this relationship is to me. Perhaps you don’t realize this, I’ve enjoyed all the talks we’ve had, from our worries to something funny or silly. I miss our daily quirks. It made me closer to you and it made me love you more. And those “I love you” words seem to come as naturally to your lips as they do to mine. We have been together for more than eight months and everything about our relationship has become more and more intimate and special.

I would give anything to pick up where we have left off, just doing everyday things like going out/ buy lunch with you, sneaking off to spend time with each other whenever we had the chance, sharing our ups and downs everyday, those little sneaky touches, the little notes we would leave each other, the phone calls, the random links that we found on the internet that amuses or interests us, the short road trips where it is just you and me.

Please remember all the good times we’ve had already. I promise you a faithful companion who has learned her lesson and is more determined than ever to make you happy and stand by you as long as you will have me. I rather lose all my past than to lose you because the alternative is too painful to even consider.

I love every little piece of you and I probably always will. I was selfish and I was ignorant to you and your feelings. I’d give anything to take that back.

I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt your love to me, because you couldn’t have loved me any better

I’m sorry I betrayed you, because now I’d give anything just to have you back.

I’m sorry I was ungrateful of you but are you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you loved me, because now I know that if I spend my whole life searching, I’d never find someone who would love me had as much as you do.

I’m sorry for not appreciating all that you’ve done.

I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like a burden.

I’m sorry I took you for granted, when I should’ve appreciated you more.

But most of all, I am sorry for all the lies, the betrayals that I have caused you. the damage I have done.

If things could change, if you could let me love you again, I’ll never let you go. I’ll never break your heart, I’ll give you all I have and I’ll love you with all my heart, unconditionally.

You have been my anchor, my best friend, my soulmate, my favourite person, my forever person. Thank you for all that you have done and best of all, thank you for loving me.

Ever thine,

Ever mine,

Ever ours.

Always.

 

Poem: Labyrinth

In the labyrinth of my own thoughts,

I seem to be getting lost,

I retreated into my own space,

To find peace and solace,

Only to find myself,

In the deepest, darkest corner,

Where I hid all the monsters and demons,

Coaxing me to let them out,

To come out and play with me,

Temptations whispering,

Such sweet nothings,

What become of me,

If I let them out,

And play with me.